Stop or I'll Shoot!
by LadyNightRunner
Summary: What's more normal for a couple of buddies to do but go hunting? Exactly. Nothing. But there is nothing normal about a couple of SOLDIERs First Class going on a hunting trip. Way to go, Zack. Excellent idea.


I have to say this first: I did not write the base for this story. It was originally written by a close friend of the family, called Chumley, who went on this trip with my father in September of 1993. I was three years old. We've had this story for years, but it was only recently that I though to turn it into something of my own. Dad said okay, Chumley said sure, and I got to work. I challenge you to figure out which parts are mine and which are not.

I hope you all enjoy reading this as much as I did writing it. I'm sure it was all Zack's idea, but he had no idea just what he was getting himself into.

* * *

I have only been back to work for a few days and already stories about my hunting trip with General Sephiroth have begun to circulate. I feel I must put the true events of that fateful trip down on paper while they are still fresh in my mind and before some scoundrel grabs them and tries to throw dispersions on my person. If you want to throw dispersion's Seph's way, feel free. After all, this is my version of what happened.

Let me first say that my girlfriend was not all that enthfused about me going. But she didn't hassle me much about it because I wasn't asking her to go. Besides, she had talked to my mother about my previous hunting trips and was therefore pretty sure that I wouldn't actually get anything. She certainly didn't want any bear stew cooking in her kitcfhen. She did give me two good hunting tips, though.

Girlfriend's Tip #1: Put bullets in gun _before_ going hunting.

Girlfriend's Tip #2: Shoot bear _before_ it eats me.

Both of these tips I intended to follow.

**Mon****day, September 6**

1200- Arrive in White Mountains Wilderness. Spirits of all in hunting party are high.

1210- Take a short hike down ATV trail just to see if it's a possible camping area. Seph walks too fast- attribute to first-timer exuberance. Realize I broke my girlfriend's #1 rule; "put bullets in gun before hunting." Not to worry- I forgot to bring a gun.

1230- See ATVers on hill above us. Lucky for them I forgot the gun. Return to truck.

1330- Find campsite at end of a large valley near Nome Creek. Valley and mountains look especially beautiful because of the "No Off-Road Vehicles" sign.

1730- Seph wants to take a short walk "just a little ways up the valley" to see what's there. I force myself through two miles of tangled underbrush listening to Seph say: "I think I've found a trail." If he has, I certainly don't see it.

Finally cross a cheerful babbling brook by wading through ankle deep 20 degree water to get to the clearer area on the other side. The brush is now only waist high but twice as thick. Stumble on an old ATV trail heading back towards camp. Walk on trail for ten feet before Seph wants to go left a little ways "just to see what's over the rise." Regretfully, I agree. Bad idea.

Seph still walks too fast.

Walking on the Tundra is like walking on a sponge. Your dry foot sinks into the spongy ground, forcing the water out of the tundra and into your boot. Blueberries, black berries, and bog cranberries form a mass of tangled bushes about twelve inches high. As you lift one foot out of the tundra with a sucking sound and force it through the berry vines, your other foot is sinking through the berry vines and into the tundra.

1930- We return to the ATV trail and head back to camp. Just before the camp we must cross the cheerful brook again, only now the brook is waist deep and has cooled off to a nice brisk 15 degrees. You really have to be careful or you will be swept off your feet by the current.

2000- As I am standing by the fireplace with hypothermia, Sephiroth feels guilty for not telling me about the stepping stones set across the river before I was swept downstream. He offers to fix supper. I accept silently, since I can't talk through my chattering teeth.

2030- Seph still feels guilty and offers to build a fire in the fireplace.

2200- Thawed out, full tummy, ready to sleep. Seph suggests getting up at 0515 tomorrow. I chuckle at his joke as I fall asleep and dream of sheep, caribou, moose, and bear.

**Tuesday, September 7**

0515- Seph is up. Some people don't know when to end a joke.

0600- Depart camp with high hopes for moose, caribou, and Dall sheep.

Seph walks too fast.

0605- Cross Nome Creek. This time, however, we have brought our hip waders so we can cross in relative dryness to the other side. It is now that I realize that I have my locker nest to someone who has feet my size and also own hip waders. And because of that, I have managed to bring only the right leg to each set. Oh well. As long as I don't say anything, nobody will notice.

0606- Seph notices.

1000- Arrive at top of peak. I fear badly for Seph's health. His body is rejecting all the normal signs of exhaustion: labored breathing, profuse sweating, stumbling around incoherently. Instead he is merely standing there asking me if I am alright. I shout that I'm feeling great and just decided to lie down for awhile since Seph looked a little tired. Besides, I wanted to glass the area below us for signs of game.

Ten minutes later, Seph asks if I want him to get my spotting scope out of my pack.

1030- Seph asks if I am ready to go, cleverly disguising his own fatigue.

"Where?" I ask.

"Just to the top of that pass," he says. "I want to see what's on the other side."

I reach for my gun and bullet, but Seph is already on his way up another 2000 feet to the pass. I sigh, roll over, and follow him.

1130- I reach the pass, but Seph is nowhere in sight so I put the bullet back in my pocket. Then I look over and there are Dall sheep! About 100 of the biggest rams ever. I see Seph's already found them and I rush over, no longer tired.

"How are we gonna get them?" I ask.

"Well, I see about twelve, but they're all ewes and lambs," Seph replies.

I look again and sure enough, all of those rams have disappeared!

Seph asks if I ought to sit down again.

1300- We arrive back at camp, tired but happy after seeing the sheep. Confident that in the next few days we could fins rams them thar hills. Besides, the walk back to camp had been downhill.

1400- Seph walks down the road we had driven in on looking for firewood. I take off my pack and stand up.

1401- Seph returns. Moose tracks are in our tire tracks from yesterday! I hit Seph with my hat for making me walk up mountains all morning while the moose were using our camp.

1730- We walk back up the river "just a little ways" to look over an area that looks moosey.

Seph walks too fast.

1830- Seph wants to go "just a little bit further" to see what's around the bend. I opt to wait and glass the stream bed while he scares the moose to me.

1930- I spot something moving down the stream bed. I look for my bullet.

1940- Through my sights I see that the moose is wearing a blue backpack just like Sephiroth was wearing. As a gently squeeze the trigger, I realize that it's probably not a moose wearing Seph's backpack but Sephiroth wearing Sephiroth's backpack.

Luckily, I hadn't been able to find my bullet.

2000- We cross the stream, me wearing my right-footed hip waders, backpack, rifle in one hand and my hiking boots in the other.

2002- On the other side of the stream we continue single file through thick bushes.

2004- Thirty yards from camp still wearing my right-footed hip waders, backpack, rifle in one hand and hiking boots in the other and thoughts of a warm fire and hot chocolate in my mind.

Seph asks; "You want a bear?"

"Yeah," I reply.

"No, a grizzly?" Seph says.

"Really?" I say.

"Yes, a grizzly," he repeats.

Now I see the bear run into some thick blueberry and alder bushes on the other side of camp.

2005- No longer tired. Sephiroth tells me to go in there after the bear.

2005:01- "You want me to go in those bushes after a grizzly bear?

2005:02- "Yes."

2005:03- The bear appears on the other side of the thicket running up the hill, away from us. I immediately practice my shooting skills by hitting two trees and a rock before adjusting my sights on the bear. Unfortunately, the bear was now ½ mile away and accelerating.

"Lucky for that bear that I'm out of bullets," I say.

2005:05- "What?" says Sephiroth. "I can't hear a thing with you shooting next to my ear like that," he complains.

Poor Seph. It is obvious he will never understand how I was using an old woodsmen technique of using his shoulder as a gun rest. He probably thinks I was trying to hide behind him.

2007- We return to camp. I again hit Seph with my hat for making me walk for three hours while the bear was sitting in our camp and eating our supper.

"Look, Seph, someone's been sitting in my chair," I joke, referring to the bear that had been in our camp. "You know, Seph, like the story of Goldilocks and the three bears."

Sephiroth does not understand my humor.

2200- We go to sleep. Seph again says he wants to get up at 0515. Some people just don't know when a joke is no longer funny.

Bear and sheep chase each other through my dreams.

**Wednesday, September 8**

0515- Seph's alarm goes off. I don't think I like him anymore.

0630- Depart camp intending to go up the river in search of moose and caribou.

Seph walks too fast.

0730- See a herd of caribou skipping down the valley, across the stream, and up the other side.

0740 – Caribou appear to have settled down a little ways up the ridge line. Right next to them are two moose: a cow and a calf. We head back down the valley to go up the other side of the ridge and come over it above the caribou.

0815 – We start up the ridge with visions of caribou roasting over the fire dancing in our heads.

0900 – Top of ridge still a long ways above us. Feet are soaked from the wet grass and tundra. (See Walking on the Tundra, Monday, September6.) Did I mention it had rained last night?

1030 – Reach the freezing level on the mountain. This is the altitude at which all of the dew is now frozen ice. Did I mention my feet were already soaked? Luckily the strain of the climb had forced all of the blood out of my brain so I don't feel the symptoms of frostbite on my toes or the hypothermia setting in everywhere else.

1130 – Reach the point on the ridge which should be just above the caribou.

1200 – The caribou, unfamiliar with our plan, have left.

1230 – Sit down on hillside and eat lunch. Watch four groups of sheep across the valley. Feed curious pika cheetos.

1245- Shoo away pika that is hell bent on chewing a hole in my boot.

1255- Laugh when the pika moves to Seph's boot.

1300- Protest when Seph grabs pika and throws it down the hill.

1325- Coax another three of them back up with the promise of more cheetos. Watch Sephiroth scoot away. Laugh.

1330 – The four groups of sheep have merged into one.

1400 – Seph wants to go on up the ridge line "just to see what's up a little higher."

1445 – We are now standing nearly 3,500 feet above our camp elevation. Seph finally agrees to head back down.

1545 – We finally reach Nome creek. No sign of the old ATV trail we had been on. Forced to walk on the tundra (see Walking on the Tundra, Monday, September 6, 1730) interspersed with stands of six foot high alder and berry bushes. I allow as to how this would be an excellent place for a grizzly bear to be. Seph insists I go first since I have the bear tag.

1630 – Find the old ATV trail and head back downhill to camp.

1815 – Reach the stream next to our camp, which is mistakenly on the other side of the stream with our waders.

1818 - The cheerful brook is now a stupid barrier between me and my bedroll. Water still 15 degrees but moving too fast to freeze.

1819- Sulk.

1820- Try to talk Seph into carrying me across the brook.

1822- Complain while Seph wades across without me.

1824- Plead with Seph.

1827- Wade halfway across. Fall in.

1830 – Seph fixes excellent supper of veal, fettuccine and corn while I stand by the fire and drip.

1930 – Seph shows his inexperience at camping and hunting. He shaves (again), washes up and (if you can believe it) puts on clean clothes! We have only been out in the woods for two nights and already he has shaved twice and changed clothes twice!

I prefer the traditional mountain man look and only agree to wash my hands. That way, the animals I am hunting have a harder time identifying me as a human by my smell.

Ah, the innocence of newbies. I am sure that many years from now he will look back at his hunting trip and remember how I had wisely used the natural things around me to disguise my human scent.

2200 – Go to bed. Seph again tries his "getting up at 0515" joke. Some people don't know when to give it up. I dream of caribou laughing at me as I sink into the stench of the tundra.

**Thursday, September 9**

0515 – Seph's alarm goes off. I vow to get even.

0630 – We head out again, planning to find those huge rams that have to be there. Seph still unable to maintain my hiking pace. He is doing an excellent job hiding his exhaustion but I can see the subtle little signs that show he is at the breaking point. He no longer laughs at my jokes. He forces himself to walk long after I've stopped and starts well before I do. Now he really has to concentrate to keep me in sight.

0830 – Sight 20 to 25 sheep on a hillside moving south. Sephiroth suggests we walk up the back side of a ridge line to get above the sheep and see where they settle down. I suggest we wait right here and see where they settle down.

0835- I am outvoted and outranked. We head up the ridge.

0850- I think inviting a few worms into his bedroll will be a good way to kick off my revenge.

1030 – We reach the ridge and cautiously peep over to see where the sheep have settled down. The only sheep we see have moved back north to a point about two feet from where we were standing at 0830. Did I mention that I don't like Seph?

1031- I gloat.

1034- Seph cuts me off mid-monologue. I pout. He starts walking again.

Seph walks too fast.

1100 – We continue up the ridge line to a windy pass at 4,000' elevation. On the other side is an incredible view of the mountains and valleys. We move closer to the edge, absorbed in the grandeur. I glance to my right and see sheep about 300 yards away!

1130 – I have crawled to about 150 yards of the sheep. My heart is beating wildly from the excitement, from the altitude, from the snow that is now falling, and from the 1,000 foot drop to my left as I move around the cliff. Cannot find a legal, full curl ram in the group.

1150 – I sneak back and rejoin Seph. We head for another pass hoping to catch the other sheep on the backside of the mountain.

1230 – We settle down to eat lunch on the side of the mountain. As we eat we watch the rest of the sheep go across Mount Prindle and join up on a ridge line about a mile away and 1,000 feet below us.

1300 – I jokingly suggest that we follow the pass around to Mound Prindle and see what's on the other side then follow the "trail" the sheep were on. Seph says that is a good idea; totally missing the pint of my joke.

1320- Sephiroth still walks too fast.

1345 – The backside of Mount Prindle is steep, rock covered and barren. In short, it is beautiful, especially since I remember this is a "no off-road vehicle" area.

1400 – We begin traversing the front side of Mount Prindle. Unlike the back side, the front side is steep, rock covered and barren. There is no sigh of a sheep trail.

1403- Seph says he's "found a trail".

1409- I see no trail.

1500 – We reach the point where we last saw the sheep. They are now about 1,500 feet below us, in the flat area, next to Nome creek. We glass them over some more but still can't find any legal, full-curl rams.

1530 - Seph suggests we start making our way back to camp. I agree and proceed to fall down the side of Mount Prindle.

1545- Seph waits until my dust-cloud has settled before walking right past where I am lying and continuing down the slope.

1605- I fall down another stretch of slope. Seph catches up, makes sure I'm still alive, and keeps going.

1625- Sephiroth walks too fast.

1700 – We arrive back at camp. It's my turn to cook tonight. I promise Seph one of my camping specialties.

1730 – As Seph is out collecting more firewood, I open a can of beef stew into a pot, hide the can and boil water for some macaroni and cheese.

1800 – We sit around the fire, eat and solve the world's problems.

2000- Seph does not appreciate my campfire songs.

2100- Seph does not appreciate a good ghost story.

2200 – Go to bed, sorry that this will be our last night on our hunting trip. Seph, wisely, says nothing about getting up early.

I forgot to put worms in his bedroll.

**Friday, September 10**

0630 – I wake up. Seph already has a fire going, breakfast cooking, and hot water for coffee. I forget how much I don't like him.

0800 – I pick a pan full of blueberries to give to Aerith tomorrow. There are pies in my future, at least.

0930 – We get in our truck and head for home. I didn't get any caribou, sheep, moose or bear on this trip but I truly enjoyed every minute.

We are already making plans for next year's hunt.

**Items I must remember for next year's trip.**

Iodine tablets work great for purifying drinking water. It certainly saves carrying extra water up and down the mountains.

Bring plenty of survival gear in your backpack. Specifically, two to three chocolate bars, one box of raisins, lots of sandwiches, cheetos for the pika, and some kind of energy food.

Locate bullets for gun before leaving camp. Have at least one handy at all times for shooting game (and another for shooting Seph).

Seph walks too fast. On day one, shoot him in the leg so he will slow down.

-Zack Fair


End file.
